Deja Blue

So a while ago I mentioned that I am addicted to shopping at Goodwill & Salvation Army. I love a good deal anywhere! Clearance at Target, saving by using coupons, getting a Groupon  for travel or local events; I am not too picky but if I can save some of the hard earned money that my hubby brings home I am happy!

So when I found out that the Denver Goodwill was opening a boutique in Cherry Creek I was all about it! Sure we had to stand in line for a while but they had water on hand and we were able to park less than a block away.  It was a great way to start a spring day in Denver.

Cute Exterior & glimpse of interior.

It was a blast to eye stuff that was super cute and wait breathlessly to see if someone decided they didn't want it. (I won out at least twice with this method of shopping.)

Cute Decor- Notice the painted pallets

There was so much to go through and the line to try on and check out was long but then you could shop while in line and the people in line would totally hold your spot!

Although I love finding deals at my local Goodwill I will for sure be going back. The prices were a bit higher than a local Goodwill but when it goes to Goodwill and it is still less than retail. 

My scores this trip included: Levis capris, grey flutter sleeve shirt (Target brand), Green and white polk-a-dot skirt, and a tags still on red pea type coat. 

Deja Blue Botique is located @

Cherry Creek North

303 University Blvd.

Denver, CO 80206

Hours: 

Mon - Sat 10am-6pm

Sunday 11a-5pm

Meeting Ree

Do you ever idolize people that you have never met? I have a few. My grandmother who I am named after. My facebook friend Molly. And Ree Drummond. Now you too may LOVE Ree. A.K.A. The Pioneer Woman. It is easy to do. She is beautiful, talented and basically amazing!!!

So when I was on her blog recently and saw that she was having a book signing in Denver- bestill my beating heart- I had to go!!!

She is BRILLIANT- Sigh

She is funny.

I found out that she is about 10.5 years older than me- you wouldn't know to look at her.

So my goal?? In ten and a half years to be as happy as she is.

She finds joy in everything!

And has a quiet confidence that just makes you want to be her BFF.

(I think I look pretty darn good here)

Oh I hope that I will be as cute & lovely & awesome as Ree

BUT

in my own SPECTACULAR

Katie way!

I even convinced some friends to come BUT that wasn't too hard....

So my dear Pioneer Woman I love you!

I am grateful to you for your example of finding joy in your life!

There's no way of Knowing

I feel just like the rhyme in this film.

There is no way of knowing

which direction we are going!

Light @ the End

Many of my friends and family have endured higher education with children in tow and survived to tell the tale. Now it is my turn.
Over the past two years things have been harder but not impossible.  It almost seems like a dream that my DH will soon be free of the bondage of higher education -MBA- and able to resume the normal humdrum tasks that he hasn't been able to do since before this endeavor began. When we decided that this was a necessary step in our lives, shortly after returning from a vacation without children, it was something we thought may not happen right when we wanted. Crazily enough we applied and were accepted first thing.
As we have both loved and hated this process it has become evident that we were inspired to take this jump when we did and where we did.
The program Ryan chose was completely online, allowing him to keep up his strenuous travel schedule while studying and reading etc., etc.  Although there have been times that we have all be ready to scream about more school it has been a great blessing to get this done before the tuition went up and before we had kids that were too old to remember that Dad was gone all the time. So here we are with only about 12 weeks left and all I can say is HALLELUJAH!!!!

Chronic Pain

For about 9 years or so I have had varying extremes of pain that is pretty constant (ie. chronic). Due to this pain I have seen multiple doctors, gone to physical therapy, taken various drugs, been adjusted multiple times, & on and on. Recently my sweet husband indicated that he was done with me being in pain all the time- probably because I make everyone's life miserable.
Years ago it was determined that I suffered from something called sacroilliac joint  dysfunction. Basically I have a constant pain in my behind! Some days it is worse on one side than the other but for the most part something always hurts. (This video is the best explanation that I have found)

Due to my husband's ultimatum to figure this out I am going to yet another doctor. After my initial visit with this new doctor I realized how long this has been going on. I realized that I have  tried to figure this out. I have worked to lose weight and get stronger. I have worked really hard to be able to walk and be there for my children but there is no guarantee that I can always be there. 

For instance, last June my in-laws invited us to Vail with them for a few days. I did something and threw everything out of alignment and BAM I had to find a chiropractor ASAP! The cane was pulled out and my lack of mobility made me a burden rather than a joy to have around.

Unfortunately I also get to have migraines & depression & back pain & neck pain. I really do try not to tell people that I am in pain or that I hurt. I try to suck it up more often than not but something has got to give. I can't continue to be such a bummer for my family.

After I spoke with the doctor I had a mini breakdown and realized that right now there are NO answers. I don't want surgery & I don't want no answers. I want to at least understand and hopefully find an effective treatment.  In some ways the idea of not living in constant pain is just as scary as coping with it forever.  If I am not in this role  then WHO AM I? If I feel good all the time- is that even possible?- then what do I do with that?

I am sure this all sounds quite self absorbed but this is me trying to figure this out and also because there are others that feel this way too.
I don't know what my answers will be; thyroid? disc issues? Who knows? I do know that somehow I have to explain this to my children so that they don't misunderstand my pain and frustration as anger towards them.  They have to learn that when they make a mess or neglect chores my frustration comes from not only knowing the time and effort it will take to clean it all up BUT also the pain I must re-endure to accomplish a task that had been done.  This will probably  be harder to teach them then finding the root of these issues.

For a past description click here

Time

The Persistence of Memory

by: Salvador Dali

This painting by Salvador Dali sums up my relationship with time.  I try to be productive and accomplish things- possibly too many things- and then it just seemingly melts away.

Something always happens and the time I thought I had just evaporates.  Unfortunately this does not just apply to the unimportant aspects of my life but to every aspect of my life. (Time management is not my talent.)

I go to bed with good intentions and then I don't sleep well. So then I don't wake up easily. Then I get grumpy and I am tired and then there is this chronic pain- more on that in a different post.

Somehow I WILL find a way to manage this stuff better. I have to.

Until then....thank you Senor Dali for describing how I feel perfectly with your work of art!

LENT

So growing up in Louisiana we celebrated Mardi Gras and because our mother was raised in the Catholic faith I was pretty familiar with what Lent was.  Not until recently have I really wanted to give something up for a substantial period of time but this year is different. I am prat of a wedding party in May and I am going to Europe as well so this year it is time to give it up......

SUGAR

Now this DOES NOT include chocolate- lets face it I am no saint. Seeing as though I work out nearly 5 days a week- not all strenuous but I am there- and I have plateaued over the past two to three years something must change.

I will admit that this is hard!

I LOVE sugar....brown, white, etc. LOVE LOVE LOVE

On day one there was a dessert contest at the Blue & Gold Banquet. NOT one bite.

Now on day two I am still doing OK. I may need to buy more dark chocolate soon but NO sugar.

Who knows maybe I will lose a few extra pounds OR go completely insane. Either way I will complete this challenge. I mean if I can survive 4 pregnancies I can do anything, right?

11

So my first-born is 11 now...This is:

scary

intimidating 

fun

amazing

crazy

This kid is my buddy.

He is super responsible and is now the go to babysitter in our home.

(He even asked to take a babysitting course.)

He is only a few inches from being as tall as I am.

He loves skiing & music & books & technology & swimming & football & his dog & Boy Scouts........

OH and he may eat us out of house and home and still be a stick!

A while ago he asked if he was an over-achiever.

I just smiled and said YES.

I explained that it's only natural since his dad and I are

&
I'd much rather he be this way than LaZy.

Sure he can drive me nuts BUT he is one of the best things in my life.

HE works hard and tries hard.

He wants justice and tries to overcome his challenges and when he doesn't he has learned to take the consequences and roll with them.

He is super mature and understands that he'll never be like or have what others have...

BUT

he also knows that that is OK

&

that all the extra stuff can't make up for the time we get together.

You are amazing.

I hope that in the few remaining years we have in this stage you will:

 still hold my hand when we cross the street;

play with your brothers;

share secrets with your sister;

talk with your father;

honor your elders;

love deeply;

imagine infinitely;

AND

ABOVE ALL

become the man I know is in there!

Different NOT Easier

So a few months ago something was said in church that has stuck in my craw...

(WARNING: SOAP BOX)

The statement was something along the lines of how easy 

we have it now compared to those who came before us.

I seriously beg to differ...things are NOT easier!

Certainly, I don't have to spend days over a wash board doing laundry 

BUT with the stupid amount of clothes we own I am always doing laundry.

I don't have to worry about where our next meal is coming from; for the most part.

I don't have to cut wood for a fire BUT when the heater breaks in winter I still get cold ...

and then I wish I had the wood stove.

But there are things that I DO have to worry about that would curl my ancestors hair.

I have to supervise computer & technology use CONSTANTLY....

NOT because I don't trust my kids BUT I don't trust anyone else to protect them the way I will.

I have to say NO you won't have a cell phone.

I have to say NO you can't go to that movie, read that book or play that video game.

I have to worry that my husband could die in a car accident driving all over creation for work,

NOT like worrying that your husband could die in a farming accident but still stressful.

I still have to worry that a weird disease could kill my husband, my child or myself.

So NO things aren't easier.....they are just different.

I couldn't imagine the struggles that they endured and I am certain that they can't imagine mine.

Every time I get to see my 90 yr. old grandmother she reminds me of that. 

She reminds me that things are so different from when she was raising kids

or when she was a kid...NOT easier!

Air Traffic Control

Do you ever feel like you are managing chaos?

Barely?

I often feel as though I am trying to navigate an impossible maze of craziness.

It seems as though there is one thing going in one direction and another thing in another...

and somehow... Nothing has collided, YET!

My family calendar is a color-coded mess of where to be and when and for whom.

Somehow it works, for now.

I often feel that I am an air traffic controller and trying to make certain that no two flights collide,

 or are late, or are delayed, or any other type of catastrophe... Maybe I am.

A Reason to Smile

As I have mentioned periodically my husband travels, but for the past month and a half he has been on a travel freeze. It has been extremely.....I don't know how to describe it. Words fail me... It has been...AMAZING! Not only has there been no traveling but there has been no school for most of that time as well. It is as though this time has given us a brief glimpse of what life will be like after the MBA.

He has been here for bedtime and bath time. He has helped chauffeur and referee. He has made dinners and done dishes. He has cleaned toilets and lifted heavy things. He has been my knight in shining armor!

It's amazing how much you don't realize that you do until someone else is able to help.

But now that time is over. (This is not the reason to smile.) As we finished dinner together we said a family prayer and he was off to the airport. There were dishes to do and food to put away. There were kids to get ready for bed and lunches to prepare.

And then the call came.....The call that lets you know you chose the right person....The one where he says the exact right thing to help you get through the week.

(On the drive to the airport)

"I miss you already. I started crying as I left. I wish I didn't have to go."

That's when I remember he hates being gone just as much as I hate having him gone. That my friends is my reason to smile.

Marathon

So right now life is a marathon...more precisely a marathon being run backwards. You see I think that if you can see where you're going that takes the biggest obstacle out of a marathon but life isn't that way- at least not mine.
I see life right now as a whole pile of options with unknown outcomes. Certainly an amount of certainy can be found in some things but generally the unkown is the prevailing theme. For example, my hubby will graduate with his MBA soon. This in no way ensures a higher pay grade, better job or anything other than student loan bills- that is a certainty.
It's not that I worry a ton about the uncertainty but like that backwards marathon things can be tricky. I don't know if there is an uphill climb or a downhill slide. I am unable to know if there will be a rock in the road or a hole. Will I fall apart on the course or will I find an inner strength that helps me cross the finish line?
With this new year and new goals I am just trying to accept that the uncertainty is CERTAIN! Embracing this crazy life where fair is a four-lettered word is the main goal and if I can do that maybe a marathon being run backwards is the best way to run one. You at least get to see where you have been and appreciate it for what it is/was.
So on with the marathon....

My Piece of Peace

So I am NOT a naturally happy person. I mean it takes effort for me. I am just not wired to be happy 24/7. There are definite glimpses every day, and sometimes every hour, but not continuously. Certainly there are issues with my DNA that are a part of this but as my Dad taught me:

Genotype (DNA) + Environment --> Phenotype (How you turn out/look)

Since I can't change my DNA I am working feverishly at changing my environment. I have found that a great deal of my happiness is directly correlated to the amount of PEACE that I have in my life. How do I get that peace? How can I maintain that peace?

First, cleanliness. I am not a good housekeeper. As noted by the decrapification of 2011 and the continuing of said practice into 2012. Seriously there is a ton of junk that enters into my house. We have given over $1500 worth of junk in 2011 to Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc. CRAZY. Plus trash galore. Seriously not a good housekeeper.

So it is a struggle to find peace when the house is a disaster or when dishes seem to live in the sink more than the cabinet. NO peace there! So I have had to learn that although cleanliness is next to Godliness being grumpy is not! I have had to accept that sometimes playing with the kids is more important than an immaculate home- at least for me. Peace!

Second, organization. Sure my clothes are hung by color in my closet and I covet the space to be organized but this does not come naturally! So many people compliment me on being organized and having it together but those comments make me want to fall on the floor laughing hysterically. I mean I am usually flying by the seat of my pants here. (I finally made a month's menu the other day just to stop the conflict of what was planned for dinner vs. what someone else wants for dinner to a minimum.) I would love to have a place for everything and everything in it's place but I don't. I am lucky to have the home that I do have- limited storage and all. So if things aren't collated and annotated it's OK. As long as I know where it is. You know pile A, B or C. AH PEACE!

Third, fitness & self image. As much as I enjoy being outside and trying to work out regularly I hurt. I am broken and I have to be careful. The desire to not hurt seriously limits the desire to over exert myself. Also, I love FOOD. I mean I read cookbooks. I souvenir eat when I travel. I have food dreams and that is certainly genetic! So learning that my metabolism at 15 was completely unnatural and that I am rapidly approaching 3_ with baby weight, depression weight and a body that no longer wants to cooperate id very dis heartening. So I have had to have the discipline to eat off of salad plates and work out more. I have had to accept that if I want to even be mobile I have to excercise carefully. Maybe I can't even dream of rock hard abs or slender arms but if I can get out of bed that is a plus. I have had to accept that I am more than my body or my brains. I seem smart but I am not really. I seem confident but mostly I am uncertain. But learning to accept that being what I think I see in myself is often false is helpful to finding peace.

Finally, overarching everything-PERFECTION! I want the perfect home- not gonna happen. I want the perfect husband- pretty close but not quite. I want the perfect children- let's face it they are kids. I want the perfect dog- if we are gonna have one she needs to be PERFFECT, right? I want to be perfect too. This is totally counterintuitive to PEACE. If perfect means conflict then NO Thanks! If perfect means giving me migraines, I'd rather not! If perfect means I can't let my kids make cookies or paint or play in the snow then I will take my imperfect life for the sake of PEACE. The Peace that comes from 4 kids that love to play together is AMAZING! The peace that comes from sitting around a dinner table together and listening to the jabbering of my family is a unique brand of peace just for me!

So in the end I am slowly finding my piece or peace! Sure it is not the same for anyone of us but hopefully mine will carry me through. And maybe one day I will be happier and even joyful.

$5000 Week

$5,000

That's a substantial amount of money right? I hope you think so too because that is what we spent- maybe more- in the beginning week of our lovely month of December.

First, accidentally backing into garage door that is no longer made so entire door needs replacing. $1300

Next, mortgage....$1600

Then, sick child...4 doctors' visits @ $30 each= $120 plus 3 prescriptions totaling $60 plus 2 ER visits =$500 minus $250 because said sick child was then admitted to hospital by way of ambulance for two days. Grand total TBD but more than I want to think about.

But my little guy is better and although we were on the cusp of being free from consumer debt THEN this came knocking I wouldn't trade his smile for all the money in the world... Time and season right? NO debt is too much when it means my child is better. He is smiling and happy and fun and eating me out of house and home.

So although we all wish we could spend money like a millionaire I'd rather be able to save like one because the thought of all this makes me break into a cold sweat....Well maybe next year we can make it without a hospital visit or broken bone or major home repair.

With four kids and a dog, I highly doubt it!

Too Fast

As I contemplate what is most important in life I look at this picture

and I realize that these instances outweigh any other thing I will ever do.

I can't get my babies back and I can't have anymore.

I can't capture the wonder of feeling a baby kick or seeing a first step.

I can never get the first day of Kindergarten back or the accomplishment

of a hard piece of music perfected.

I CAN:

Hold them tighter

Enjoy the good & ignore the not so good

Teach them responsibility

Empower them

Tell them I love them until they believe it

Show them that being a good mom isn't about perfection or guilt trips

but it's about being present; even when it's hard.

Kids I am here for you.

Not because I have to be but because I want to be.

The best memories I have are with you.

I am trying everyday to be the mom that you deserve.

Sure I am not perfect but I am trying.

Maybe one day you will know that!

This image will forever be burned in my memory.

A testament that they are moving forward,

no matter how much I want them to stop!

A reminder that they do have each other and they love each other.

A moment of peace and happiness that makes the hard times a bit easier.

Celebr8

So I have this little girl.

Just one.

She's pretty much my princess.....

Really she's all our family's princess

She is AMAZING

She is passionate & helpful

She is smart & beautiful

She is fun & loving

She is genuine & devoted

She is who I want to be when I grow up.

When people say she reminds them of me I am in awe....

in awe that I am in any way comparable to this lady.

I do not deserve this daughter but I am glad that she's mine.

Here she stands on the edge of childhood ready to conquer the world.

Sure she's NOT perfect but neither is her mom

She's the best of me and hopefully better

She is fearless and I love her!

Thanks for letting me be your mom.

A bit about my girl:

Enjoys: Art & horseback riding

Plays piano

Enjoys: cooking & gardening

Loves her family

Hikes, writes, reads & loves musicals

Some favorite recent quotes:

On being asked if she'd ever want to move~

"I can't move I'd miss my best friend too much,

without him (yep it's a boy) I'd feel like a cake with a hole in it"

(Deep, huh?)

On telling her that dad & bros need gun practice since she's too beautiful~

"I know how to shoot the .22 but I need to learn to shoot the shotgun!"

Happy 8th Birthday!

NOLA

So my husband is basically amazing!

He travels TONS for work and is getting an MBA and still he finds time to get me away for a weekend HOME. I grew up in South Louisiana and nothing says South Louisiana more than
NEW ORLEANS!

As he was there on business he arranged for me to join him afterwards to soak in NOLA!

It was perfect!

The flights, the food, the weather, the sights, the food, the sounds, the history, the food

& we even did pretty well with the parking!

If you aren't from here it may be hard to grasp the idiosyncrasies of the town but you can appreciate the beauty and history (and food) of such an eclectic place.

(In case you couldn't tell I am a souvenir eater.)

I even came home from the trip with a greater appreciation for my parents in raising me somewhere far from family but that exposed me to a

culture that I would have never known otherwise.

I hadn't been back since KATRINA and it was amazing to see the recovery and the damage that remains. To see the theater where I first saw Les Miserables fenced off and still being repaired broke my heart. To know that the church that I went to my first dance at had to be demolished and all that is left is the concrete slab was indescribable. To see homes all over the city- not just the 9th ward- with the X's and dates searched still there was disturbing. And to drive down streets where we would have been underwater back then brought tears and inexplicable emotion.

On the other hand; to walk where both mine and my husband's ancestors walked when they immigrated was tender. To see where my dad was working all those years after I left for college was so interesting. To remember my Louisiana history teacher, Mrs. McCartney, and her passion for this place we called home was inspiring. To taste of the food was heavenly.

To hear the music and see the art was inspiring. To watch the Mighty Mississippi River flow and know that it helped make this nation was a testament to me of how amazing this place is.

But above all of this to share this experience with the person I love the most was

SPECTACULAR!

Sure 48 hours wasn't enough but it just gives me the excuse to go back.

Until then I will be craving the food!

First place I ate@ right off the plane. Blackened Redfish-mmmmm

Charbroilled/grilled Oysters @ ACME Oysters

Louisiana Shrimp & Grits

@ Surrey's on Magazine St.

Bananas Foster @ Brennan's on Royal St.

AMAZING Greek Restaurant

Metairie, LA

(best hummus EVER!)

Labor Day

We have some amazing friends. Some of them we were blessed to spend Labor Day weekend with up at their cabin in the mountains of southern CO.

7 Kids, 7 Adults, 3 dogs and 4 horses equals a serenity that you wouldn't expect!

It's amazing to get away but unfortunately Monday came and Hubby was gone again...

Summer Reflection

As school let out at the beginning of June I had such high hopes for summer. Alas I and my children are mortal and not every minute thing went right. But all in all memories were made and a few tears were shed. Bones were broken and mended. I think this quote sums up my summer, if not life in general:

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.

Good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.

Doctor Who, Vincent and the Doctor

I told ya that there was a broken arm. Little William busted it right before we headed to Wyoming and Idaho for a week. Perfect timing!

WYOMING:

We also were able to attend a beautiful wedding in Idaho. My parents came up to see us from Utah and we were able to see grandparents/great-grandparents.

HICKS Great-grandparents

Cute Family

Hicks Family

Grandpa Baron & J

Four Generations

Poor P-nut missed out on swimming lessons because of his arm :(

And before we knew it August was here and the kids were all in school. (P-nut is in preschool, 2 days a week.)

P-nut & his best bud

Ready for preschool

First day of school!

So that was just about it...or was it???

Ready or Not

For years I have had regrets about the twists and turns that my education took. I was lucky enough to get a degree and although I learned a lot and enjoyed my major it wasn't my first choice.
Originally I wanted to be a nurse. A NICU nurse to be precise, but due to financial constraints and REALLY bad advice I changed my major-twice.

I had to work to put myself through school and because of that I wasn't as able as I wanted to be to study, or learn, or immerse myself in my learning. I had to watch my dream die. Whereas I was able to move on from other dreams that I had to let go of- like serving a mission- I have always clung to the thought that this dream might still be a possibility.

As I enter the first year with only one child at home and the knowledge that there can be no more babies it is time for me to figure out how to rescue my poor, crushed, little dream. So a few months ago I began by researching nursing programs, as well as medical schools, here in Colorado.

My poor dream although on life support seams to be making an effort to make a come back. I am nearly half-way through a pre-requisite course (Medical Terminology) and I am doing much better this go around.

I have five other classes that I have to take before I apply (Microbiology, Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry & Statistics) as well as one or two more I may take for the heck of it, but maybe by the time I am all alone I can go back to school.

Dear Hubby is so encouraging but it is super hard to do this. I lack so much confidence in my ability to learn and I have the guilt of leaving the kids. (I am good at guilt- it's a talent really.) I am really trying to feel good about this decision and reading this certainly has helped but it is as though I have this great internal battle of, "You are a bad mom so you might as well be gone" to "If anything happens to the younglings while you are away it is because you are away." (Great internal schizophrenia, right?)

I am so TORN

At one moment I will be so into it all that I will be willing to sell my soul to Uncle Sam to pay for it all and the next moment I will be avoiding homework. I have felt that this is the direction for me to go. I know that it will be hard. Now that DH is half way done with his MBA here goes mom into the fray. (Look I rhymed) Is this fair to the kids? How will we cope?

This is certainly one of those walk into the dark moments. And here I am slowly inching my way into the entryway of darkness.

So pray that I have the guts to stick it out so that my poor lifeless little dream can blossom and turn into something that even I can't imagine.

Onto homework....