Friends With Substance

So a few years ago I said something profound. ( I know too bad it doesn't happen more frequently, huh?) Anyway, I happened to be with three dear friends saying goodbye to one in our group and while at dinner I mentioned how grateful I was to have "Friends With Substance". (They could tell you better than I the exact scenario.) I have been contemplating that as another "friend with substance" prepares to move across the country.
First, let me describe what a friend with substance is. In my estimation it is someone who will get down and dirty with you. They will change your kids diapers, and in a real pinch probably yours too. They will laugh with you. And cry, the deep, ugly, soul-wrenching cry of someone who is bearing it all. These friends are life-long. No amount of miles, education, religion or socioeconomic distance can separate you.
"FWS" lovingly overlook your faults and often love you because of them instead of in spite of them. "FWS" can get over any difference of opinions you may have and love you anyway. At the core though is the fact that the things you value most are honored, respected and even protected by these people.
My husband has had an amazing example of this in his life. As a freshman in college he met two such guys and then while serving a mission for our church he met the pinnacle of "FWS". Jason Jones. This man is simply AMAZING. Every year he calls DH on his birthday. Now you may say no big deal but the fact is we aren't even sure when he found out the exact birthday and that he lives in England and that he is a man makes him a stand out "FWS".

I have been lucky enough to have quite a few of these in my life. Especially since my favorite "FWS" (DH) is gone a lot I really need them in my life. My "FWS" think deep thoughts and are yet down to earth. They appreciate my assets and I theirs and enjoy going on trips with me, be it across the country or to GoodWill(ahhh) they still love me at the end of it all.
You can be totally honest and not worry that they will hate you. They can forgive the emotional diarrhea that you sometimes inflict on them because they know that you are there for them when their bout comes along. You can stay up way to late talking and laughing and talking and crying because they get you.

Most of all though you are totally a better person because of them! They make you a better wife, not worse. They commiserate about motherhood but inspire you to keep up the awesome job that you are already doing. They tell you to follow your dreams but teach you to be wise about it. They are an arm to lean on when you are weak and you are theirs. You pray for them and they for you. They are the people that you wish you could spend more time with but life sometimes gets in the way, but since you are "FWS" your relationship will always be great.

Sure not every "friend" may be substantial but the good news is that they can be. I sincerely feel that being genuine and yourself is what we need in our lives. There is too much of the artificial and surface pleasantries in the world. We need a little more of the nitty gritty. When people quit saying that they love each other and wishing for "world peace" and start showing their love for their fellow man/woman we will be better off. Then maybe, just maybe, we can say "I am imperfect but I am trying" or "yep I have wrinkles and stretch marks and my boobs sag but I am good with it" and then maybe our sons and daughters will be better for seeing their parents be genuine and become "FWS" to the next generation.

So my dear "FWS", I hope that you know who you are, I love you! You are all amazing! Starting with my hubby with no end in sight to the amount of "FWS" I hope that I can enjoy in my life.

Tale of a Single Married Woman

Thanks to my dear friend and roommate, Rachel, I was able to read this interesting blog post about single-married parenting. This woman had such an amazing perspective about the life that so many women share. I totally identified with this lady and laughed out loud. But after reading her post I thought a lot about how I have come to terms with being a single married parent.

Now I am in no way perfect but I have SLOWLY found that it does no good to complain continually. After years and years of my husband missing events and not being there when I think he should be, I have learned that as much as it frustrates me that he's not here he has to endure the sadness of missing milestones that we can never recapture. We have come to the point in our lives where we have to pick and choose the events that dad can make. (Seriously,DH has not been home for his birthday in over 6 years.)

Now it certainly helps that I am surrounded by numerous friends who are in the same boat. We all have to discipline and clean and sleep ALONE. Sure we get to eat ice cream for dinner (or in my case guacamole or hummus) but I'd much rather have dinner with my DH. Sure he gets to eat lobster on the expense account but he to is alone and if he isn't he is talking shop through the meal.

I don't know what delusion I was under when I married but somehow I though that 9 to 5 was enough and that dinner together as a family every night was not too much to ask for. Well all you young whipper snappers let me tell you a thing or two, that is not reality! Nope. Somehow I had forgotten how often my dad was gone and my mom left alone with us hellions and she had no family around to periodically rescue her. There were know video games or computers to entertain us when she was exhausted. And all in a 1400 square foot home with 5 kids. How did she survive? What toll did we take on her sanity?

I don't know the answer to those questions but I do know that nowadays it is worse than ever. When we were first married there were no cell phones like there are today but my DH was blessed with a pager as a car salesman. I know, seriously a car salesman? Anyway if he was paged it meant his customer was in and he had to run like some EMT to the scene. It was seriously annoying especially when I'd have to go to the movies alone or anything we planned to do got turned upside down. I should've known that was just the beginning but I thought it might get better with a new job- don't kid yourself lady! So here we are 12 years into marriage 10 1/2 years into parenting and yet in some ways the work stuff is worse (thanks to smart phones).

But my husband has a job. A job where when he is in town he can work from home a few days a week. A job that slows in the summer but is seriously crazy the rest of the year. (Last year DH was in nearly 40 states in a single year, HI & AK for fun but the rest for work.) A job that has allowed him and I to go back to school. A job that he enjoys for the most part.

So what have I learned in my single married state? Well, I have learned that there are more people out there in the same boat than not. I have learned to cope. If a day is particularly bad I send the kids to bed early-harder in summer than in winter. If we want pizza we eat it. If we want to watch a movie we do. If I choose to take the kids swimming after school I do and I don't worry about dinner, sandwiches will do or cereal for that matter. I have girl friends and we get together with all the kids and have a dinner with an adult conversation. It's like cheap therapy. Same gal pals help make freezer meals so that when we want a good meal it's there and we don't have to do take out. I have learned to keep the kids on a routine and that I do them no favors by not allowing/making them pitch in. I mean this is a family not a hotel and resort. I am not the maid and if you wanna live here you work. The kids have learned to be a little calmer when dad is gone, especially when I get a migraine. And the older kids take care of the younger ones.

I have also learned that there is NO SUCH THING as a 9 to 5 job that can support a family of 6. I have learned to show my husband that I love him and that he is important even if he isn't home. I want him to want to come home so throwing a fit about a canceled flight, two weeks in a row, will not solve anything. I have learned that when he is home to not be a martyr and take the breaks he offers me.

So all in all being a single married parent is no walk in the park but this is how it is right now. I love and respect my husband. I am so glad that he is not above working with the crews he is supposed to be supervising and that he works so hard to provide for us. DH doesn't get time off as he is pursuing his MBA and he is a Boy Scout leader so if he wants to watch a sporting event then by all means do it. I don't get time off either so when he tells me to go riding or out with the girls I don't argue so much anymore. And above all we make time for each other. Time to listen to each other, either in person or on the phone.

We, all of us, are making this thing work. One day, one week, one month at a time. So good luck and hang in there all you single married moms you're not alone, even when it sure feels like it.