Saving Grace

(2011)

Do you see this kid?

Do you know how terrified I was to have another baby?

Do you know that the Lord is in complete control?

Since our move this guy is my reason for living. He isn't in preschool now because I really don't know where to enroll him and I am sure it will cost an arm and a leg and finger. So he is my buddy.

He is my reason for living. With no friends and no calling and no way to volunteer with him in tow he fills the space. He cooks with me and cleans with me and cuddles with me.

However, this will make the looming registration for kindergarten that much harder.  As much as I want him to go to school and to be able to learn again I selfishly never want to let him go!

And it's because of videos like this that make me wish I had more but alas I don't and as much as I think they need me I really need him right now!

Who am I ???

A couple of weeks ago at church someone asked me what I liked to do when I wasn't unpacking.
I was stumped.  I really had no answer.  I don't love scrapbooking, or even sewing. (I do it but it doesn't fill me with joy.) I like to cook but then I get fat(-ter) because I like to eat more. I like reading but that seems lame. I don't play an instrument & my singing is mediocre at best. I LOVE my dead people (genealogy/family history) but that's not really a group activity.
This led to more questions on my part. Who am I? What am I doing?
Will I become a disaster when my kids start leaving home in t minus 6 years?
Right now I have really nothing that I do. I don't go to a gym anymore. To expensive or too far. NO book club. No girls night out. Nothing that is me or mine or what have you. I barely even leave the house because I have nowhere to go really and the boxes still beckon.

So making it harder than having no one that I really know is that I don't even know myself. I don't know what I like, I don't know my favorite color and I don't DO anything really.

What am I supposed to be learning? Patience? (Well, duh.) That this is what I prayed for- a better job, and a husband home and the loneliness is just part of it? I don't know.
When I explore things that I think I might like to do the guilt of the time and money it would take to accomplish these things just makes it worse.

I was talking to my hubby about this the other day. And because he is so AWESOME he wants to fix this. But the thing is that fixing infers broken and it is super hard to accept that one is broken.  I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to be lost like this but it still STINKS!!

Hopefully the boxes will be done soon and the holidays will be over and I can settle into figuring out who I am and what I need to do. Until then I just gotta get through the laundry and lunch.

Defining Moments

Throughout life we all have experiences that shape us. Sometimes they are good and other times they are downright awful. Then there are situations that seem benign but actually end up defining us forever...Let me explain. As a child my parents relocated from Texas to Louisiana. The move was necessary but being that I was the only child in school at the time I feel that it effected me the most.  I know that it did. How, one may ask. Do I even remember? This is one of my earliest recollections and was, and still is, a defining moment for me.
I was not a particularly beautiful child or popular. Until High School I had very FEW friends and usually the male friends way out numbered the female friends. So, as I began Kindergarten for the second time I found myself terribly lonely. I often sat alone and played alone especially while at school. To the teacher's credit she did observe this and tried to be helpful.

One day while on the play ground a group of two or three girls approached me. I was not sure what they wanted but soon it became quite clear. As they approached, the tallest girl in the group stated, "The teacher told us to play with you."

There it was, my defining moment. What I had hoped for and longed for had become stained by knowing that these girls were 'told' to play with me.  I clearly remember thinking, "Don't do me any favors. If you have to be told to play with me then NO THANKS."  Of course I probably played with them for that recess but not much really after that day.

This one moment has forever defined who I am. I often feel very lonely, especially now after moving. It is worst when I am in a crowded room. Even when people are sitting next to me or are trying to be friendly I worry that it's just surface and no substance.

Leaving friends of substance behind and being friendless is HARD.  It is hard to not have a purpose or direction or anyone to talk to or share with.  Where I used to be able to chat with my husband throughout the day he  can no longer do that with his job. So the only adult I interact with only has about an hour of decent time to spend with all of us before he gets tired and bed beckons.

I want to reach out but I know no one.  I don't want to burden others with  feeling that they have to be my friend. 

I am alone and that is how it is. One dear friend told me that it takes a year to make friends. Well, one month down.