Defining Moments

Throughout life we all have experiences that shape us. Sometimes they are good and other times they are downright awful. Then there are situations that seem benign but actually end up defining us forever...Let me explain. As a child my parents relocated from Texas to Louisiana. The move was necessary but being that I was the only child in school at the time I feel that it effected me the most.  I know that it did. How, one may ask. Do I even remember? This is one of my earliest recollections and was, and still is, a defining moment for me.
I was not a particularly beautiful child or popular. Until High School I had very FEW friends and usually the male friends way out numbered the female friends. So, as I began Kindergarten for the second time I found myself terribly lonely. I often sat alone and played alone especially while at school. To the teacher's credit she did observe this and tried to be helpful.

One day while on the play ground a group of two or three girls approached me. I was not sure what they wanted but soon it became quite clear. As they approached, the tallest girl in the group stated, "The teacher told us to play with you."

There it was, my defining moment. What I had hoped for and longed for had become stained by knowing that these girls were 'told' to play with me.  I clearly remember thinking, "Don't do me any favors. If you have to be told to play with me then NO THANKS."  Of course I probably played with them for that recess but not much really after that day.

This one moment has forever defined who I am. I often feel very lonely, especially now after moving. It is worst when I am in a crowded room. Even when people are sitting next to me or are trying to be friendly I worry that it's just surface and no substance.

Leaving friends of substance behind and being friendless is HARD.  It is hard to not have a purpose or direction or anyone to talk to or share with.  Where I used to be able to chat with my husband throughout the day he  can no longer do that with his job. So the only adult I interact with only has about an hour of decent time to spend with all of us before he gets tired and bed beckons.

I want to reach out but I know no one.  I don't want to burden others with  feeling that they have to be my friend. 

I am alone and that is how it is. One dear friend told me that it takes a year to make friends. Well, one month down.