Ready or Not

For years I have had regrets about the twists and turns that my education took. I was lucky enough to get a degree and although I learned a lot and enjoyed my major it wasn't my first choice.
Originally I wanted to be a nurse. A NICU nurse to be precise, but due to financial constraints and REALLY bad advice I changed my major-twice.

I had to work to put myself through school and because of that I wasn't as able as I wanted to be to study, or learn, or immerse myself in my learning. I had to watch my dream die. Whereas I was able to move on from other dreams that I had to let go of- like serving a mission- I have always clung to the thought that this dream might still be a possibility.

As I enter the first year with only one child at home and the knowledge that there can be no more babies it is time for me to figure out how to rescue my poor, crushed, little dream. So a few months ago I began by researching nursing programs, as well as medical schools, here in Colorado.

My poor dream although on life support seams to be making an effort to make a come back. I am nearly half-way through a pre-requisite course (Medical Terminology) and I am doing much better this go around.

I have five other classes that I have to take before I apply (Microbiology, Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry & Statistics) as well as one or two more I may take for the heck of it, but maybe by the time I am all alone I can go back to school.

Dear Hubby is so encouraging but it is super hard to do this. I lack so much confidence in my ability to learn and I have the guilt of leaving the kids. (I am good at guilt- it's a talent really.) I am really trying to feel good about this decision and reading this certainly has helped but it is as though I have this great internal battle of, "You are a bad mom so you might as well be gone" to "If anything happens to the younglings while you are away it is because you are away." (Great internal schizophrenia, right?)

I am so TORN

At one moment I will be so into it all that I will be willing to sell my soul to Uncle Sam to pay for it all and the next moment I will be avoiding homework. I have felt that this is the direction for me to go. I know that it will be hard. Now that DH is half way done with his MBA here goes mom into the fray. (Look I rhymed) Is this fair to the kids? How will we cope?

This is certainly one of those walk into the dark moments. And here I am slowly inching my way into the entryway of darkness.

So pray that I have the guts to stick it out so that my poor lifeless little dream can blossom and turn into something that even I can't imagine.

Onto homework....