Finding joy when joy doesn't find you.....

So I have a problem- don't we all- I find my job exhausting and often unfulfilling. That being said I must mention that I am a full-time mom so this lack of fulfillment comes with a rather high degree of guilt, remember this is a talent of mine.

So when I came across this article, Why every mom needs a purpose beyond motherhood | Mormon Times, this woman was speaking my language. In the culture which I live there is this understood goal that you will marry and be a wife and mother and if at all possible you will be the primary caregiver by staying at home. I call this sacrificing yourself on the alter of motherhood. However noble and grand this concept may be in practice it is a great deal more complicated. In a world where you don't get noticed unless you are loud and obnoxious being fulfilled and feeling successful by being "just" a mom is nearly impossible.

I want to be the mom who does fun stuff with her kids and doesn't get stressed out. I want to be the mom who can keep the house clean and the kids fed and forget my dreams and yet, what would that tell my kids. It's as if I am an epic hypocrite by saying,"You can be or do anything that you put your mind to." But then I don't do the things that I have always intended to do. Or it teaches them that a clean house is more important than a bed time story.

So here is to FINDING JOY. Sometimes joy seems to just happen but it always takes a great deal of work to get there. The most joyful times in my life took months of hell before I could experience the joy. I intend to make joy a priority and sometimes that means actually giving stuff up...stuff that makes joy a little too hard to find.

This must be the joy I find. The little victories (and the big) that I get to experience because I do have this job & before I know it the job will change and my employers will need me less.

Some glimpses of joy!

Perspective

So this is the house I grew up in for the bulk of my childhood (1985-1995ish).

This home has 3 bedrooms & 1 bathroom for a grand total of 1041 square feet.

When I saw that the house was this small

(it is currently for sale so this is how I discovered this)

I was floored.

I guess that being a child everything just seemed bigger-

except the ONE bathroom.

(It may be time to mention that there were 2 adults and 5 children

who lived in this home.)

Granted my parents paid under $50K for this house--currently listed at $105K-but still this place is tiny. I thought that my first home was small at about 1440 sq ft. No way.

HOWEVER

Learning this makes me appreciate exactly where I came from.

It was way humbler than I had remembered.

It was simple and had a yard and we had fun here.

The Pecan tree in the front yard gave us pecans to grab during

Hurricane Andrew.

The ditch gave us an instant pool when it rained.

SO we were happy and when we weren't it was OK.

This house was made a home by chaos and craziness and I hope that wherever I live can feel the same way for my kids one day.

(BTW thanks Cherie for letting me know that it was for sale.)

Well Looky HERE

Learn something new all the time!

BREAD

So for Christmas my mother-in-law got me a Blendtec mixer; It's like a Bosch and a Vitamix all in one. I was slightly intimidated by this new appliance but now I am in love. I love that I can make a ton of bread and that it warms my house up and the smell is AMAZING.

So now thanks to this lovely machine I am baking bread at least once a week.

This post is making me hungry....good thing there is a loaf ready and waiting. YUM-O!

Genetic Defect

(This is more for my personal therapy than for any other reason. Read at your own risk!)

While in the womb 32 years ago my genetic destiny was determined. I was destined to be one of the least positive people on the planet. I am not, and if I ever was it was brief, a look on the bright side kind of person. It's not glass half full or half empty it's rather the glass is cracked. I can't get past the condition of the glass to even notice that there is water.
This of course is in direct conflict with my religious convictions which gives me migraines on a frequent basis. I know that the temporal- here and now- stuff is of such little consequence but because of that then I feel why even bother. Why set goals let alone accomplish them? Why kill myself on cleaning my home or sewing or baking or gardening when the house will only get dirty again, the sewing will take forever and fall apart, the baking will make a mess and I'll just have to do more & the garden will be more work and money than it is worth.
I am sure that all of this stems from my being a control freak. I know I have no control over my life but then when that comes to fruition I just get so darn mad! For example, recently my hubby and I sat down and conceived a plan to eliminate our debt. For once this actually seemed doable, even with four kids in tow. Then the laptop dies- that's a cool grand I wasn't planning on spending. ( FYI this is being typed on an iPad.) So now I have two dead laptops and a pc on life-support that might as well be dead. Now this goes back to do I really NEED a computer? Well maybe not BUT in an effort to look on the bright side and try to help delete debt from my life I have taken on some side jobs, besides those that I am not paid for, which require a computer.
So in slips the genetic defect of negativity and criticism.....you know, "this always happens" and "why me"... Seriously irritating. I mean I don't have cancer or even a canker sore right now, so why the attitude! Why can't I just shrug this off and move on?
I guess the answer lies somewhere in the fact that this takes really hard work. I can't treat this like my brain coral tummy and just run more or swim more or eat less or lift more weight. There is really nothing outward that I can do to cure myself, not even happy pills (anti-depressants) work for me. In the end it will be because of my faith in my Savior's Atonement that I will ever be able to be a bit more positive. It will be because I KNOW that only Christ knows this internal drama of mine, the likes of which Shakespeare could not have even imagined. He knows how hard it is for me to put on a smile, get out of bed or even bathe sometimes. He knows how envious I am of those who seem so happy in the midst of monumental tragedy while I hate myself over the stupidest things. He knows how I want to feel that my good enough is actually good enough. He knows how I want to not only accept but believe the compliments that I receive. He knows how terribly insecure I am and how terribly I overcompensate to hide that I am mortal. He knows my regrets and accepts me anyway.
Maybe one day this will be a bit easier. Until then I will try to enjoy the mundane and ignore the aggravating.
(Luckily my negativity was once again unfounded and a great friend of mine was not only able to salvage my laptop but ALL of the files! Miricale- I think yes!)

Get a Load of This

Recently there was an article written in Salon magazine about Mormon "mommy bloggers". The article was called Why I can't stop reading Mormon housewife blogs by: Debbie Matchar

Seeing as though I fit within the realm of this genre I thought that I should read the afore mentioned article.

So where do I begin?

I think that overall the article is fair but at the same time I was slightly annoyed. Why can't we be "uplifting" in our finding joy in motherhood? Although this is a goal of many LDS women it does not always come easily. No matter how profound our blogs are or how "perfect" our lives may seem there is no denying that LDS women face the same issues as any other sector of the female population. Maybe many of us are just trying to feel a sense of validation that we don't get because we don't get raises or expense accounts or an "at-a-girl" for those well cleaned refrigerators. But over all we have happy well-adjusted lives because we choose to make it that way- medicated or not.

I mean who cares if Utah has the highest percentage of people on anti-depressants. More power to those women who realize that there is an issue and take care of it rather than drowning themselves or their children. As an LDS woman who has dealt with depression this stupid stigma that we are depressed because we are oppressed or unhappy with our lives is hoey. We face the same disappointments and stress as any other woman but we have great highs too. Kids that want to cook with us or actually ask to help clean. Husband's that make us breakfast in bed and bring flowers home from the airport after a long business trip. Parents that encourage us to follow our dreams and remind us where we came from. Siblings who share our background. And friends....FRIENDS that are there when you are barfing day after day during an awful pregnancy. Friends that may move but who you still remember the meal they brought after you had your baby. Friends that come with being LDS because we offer relief...Maybe that's why our organization is called the Relief Society....

I know that it may seem to the outside world that we come off as a little "leave it to beaver-esque" however why would we post about the worst about our lives all the time. Certainly we need to vent and occasionally the blog is that venue but in general we just want to find a way to document our life for family that lives far away, share ideas that we think someone may appreciate, or just store our favorite recipes for friends and family to drool over.

I believe that in this day in age what was once "normal" is now peculiar and Ms. (or Mrs.) Matchar has made this apparent. Nowadays people don't just put off having a family because of money or a home or whatever else but because kids don't fit into their perceived lifestyle. (This of course is completely off topic but HOW SELFISH! I mean now my kids don't just have to worry about caring for me but for the people who chose not to have children! ARGGG! Back to the topic at hand...) Women feel that a home cooked meal is a luxury. Men enjoy eating on the road rather than at home. Kids find friends online rather than with their own siblings.

Unfortunately my life is peculiar ... not everyone sits down to the table for dinner each night as a family. Not everyone grows a garden or cooks game that their husband brings home. Not everyone can take a ham and turn it into nearly 20 different meals. Alas what is normal for me is peculiar to many people.

For all the issues that I have with my life periodically I know that although the grass can seem greener it still needs just as much watering. It still would take the same amount of effort to find happiness and choose to find joy in being a woman, wife, mother, etc.

Secret is OUT

So my secret is out...I LOVE Goodwill. Yep I shop there like crazy. Books, clothes, shoes, etc., etc.
I shop at Goodwills across the Denver Metro area and know where I can find good stuff. I have a budget and this place helps me to better stick to it. I have many friends who like myself have a budget and want nice stuff, so where do I take them shopping??? Yep that's right Goodwill. I have found many named brands and the best part is that nearly twice a month there is a 50% off everything sale and sometimes there are even 99 cent blue jeans days.
My best buys include but are not limited to- great shoes (found a pair of Steve Madden heals for a friend of mine), fur coat, Coleman Lantern in great condition, kids clothes, NUMEROUS books.
So if you need an outfit may I suggest Goodwill. And if you need help shopping I am always up for dress up.

Music Please

So Bonnie (of Bonnie and Clyde fame- name changed to protect the innocent) had a piano recital this afternoon. It was quick and easy- which was good since Dear Hubby was unable to attend. She did quite well and we hope this will lead to years of improvement and maybe she can teach her younger brothers Butch and Sundance...

Grandpa...Tell Me 'Bout the Good Ole Days

If nothing else at least I got this great picture because of Christmas. Thanks JEANE!!!

They Don't Make 'em Like They Used To

So I LOVE old movies. I love black and white and classics and epics. Recently I finally sat down and watched ALL of Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor. It was stunning. I had seen bits and pieces over the years but never the full 4.25 hours. (Nothing like being sick to get something done.) It, like The Ten Commandments, Gone With the Wind and Ben Hur, was literally amazing. Never again will movies like these be made. It's too easy to insert a computer generated image or computer generated extras. Never again will the gist be brought across without gruesome violence and gratuitous sex. Never again will we be able to watch a movie about slavery, adultery, war, etc., etc. without being exposed to just too much.
Alas the old adage that less is more is once again ignored!

Whew!

Well Christmas is over! THANK GOODNESS!
As predicted it was once again too much. Next year one gift! One meat! One side! One dessert!
Instead we had four meats ( turkey- whole & breast, ham, roast beef & freshly shot goose). Sides- dirty rice, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, Butternut squash, cornbread dressing, cranberry sauce, green beans, veggie tray and cheese and crackers....anyone ready to be overly stuffed. Oh wait, then there was dessert. Red velvet cake- three layers, pumpkin pie, mince meat pie with custard, short bread, cheese cake and fruit cake.
This is what happens when you try to please everyone and in the end no one is all that happy and you are just exhausted! So I am done with big Christmases. I think a turkey sandwich will work from now on. In fact I think that I will celebrate Christmas in June and then it's over with. This way I can celebrate the birthday we have on the 29th of Dec with a little more joy.
So here is to my Christmas decorations being down already and to a new year of minimalism. Maybe one day I will enjoy Christmas but for now I will take surviving it.

Tarnished Season

So it's Christmastime again....I am really not a fan of the holiday season. Don't get me wrong I love to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ BUT I am pretty sure that me becoming an unbearable shrew is not how Christ would prefer me celebrating His birthday.
I suppose that I just really hate the stress and expectation that comes with the period from Thanksgiving through Christmas. Now that I am an adult I really understand why we NEVER went anywhere for Thanksgiving or Christmas or inflicted/enjoyed a huge family holiday.
Let us analyze this for a second. First we have Thanksgiving. An excuse to add a vomitorium off the back porch as we begin the season of no self-control. We eat and cook and cook and eat. And even if we do not intentionally pursue the holiday pastime of vomiting someone will begin and then it spreads like wildfire. And if by some chance you miss this bullet at Thanksgiving it will certainly hit you at Christmas.
Then as soon as the meal is over and the leftovers put away for a few hours before someone needs a snack, out come the Christmas decorations....WHY? Well because if you don't get it done now it will NEVER get done.

So now comes the fun of putting up lights and reminiscing over all of the cute ornaments from years past, right? Well sorta. I mean lets get real I will never have a Hallmark tree. You know the one that looks perfect and balanced and just, Ahhhh. I mean until this year everything nice was precariously piled at the top of the tree while the lovely satin balls that become unravelled at the slightest glance graced the bottom 2/3 of the tree. Sadly even though I knew better than to tempt fate I did and several lovely glass ornaments have been - well obliterated!
Now that the tree is up someone- me and my sister since hubby is never home and is in school- has to do the obligatory hanging of lights in the yard and off of the house. (Seriously who thought that this was a good idea. I mean this is not something they did with candles and lanterns pre-Electricity, did they?) AS you learn new methods of self-torture like wondering how many outlets you can plug together or if you are wearing the appropriate foot attire to not slip of the roof- nearly did this one- you feel a sense of accomplishment. My house looks good....Until the neighbors turn on their light show and you realize that they must make gobs more money than you thought because your electric bill will be high BUT their's will certainly be higher. DRAT!


Now if you are slightly insane/brave/overachieving then you shop on BLACK Friday. You go through every ad to see what "deals" are out there and what applies to your kids. Now you've made a budget and you are going to stick to it this year, right? But then you circle this and look at that and then you realize that as Dudley Dursley taught us From Harry Potter that it doesn't matter how big they are but how many. Therefore if you have four gifts for one then there must be four for ALL. It doesn't matter that one gift for one was nearly twice that of the remaining gifts, numbers count.

So now you consider your Christmas card selection. Now if you were on top of it you took a family portrait prior to there only being 6 hours of daylight and you can insert this into a lovely pre-designed card and be halfway there. If not get ready for a great case of carpul-tunnel. So you then have to find your holy grail, you know the ADDRESS BOOK. This small piece of arcane technology causes you more headaches and ulcers at Christmas than at any other time of year. You rarely ever use it but it is essential to your ability to fully include all of those friends and long lost family members that will certainly be peeved that you forgot them or sometimes grateful beyond words. AS you rack your brain as to where it is you decide to make an educated guess as to the number of cards to order to fully suffice but not exceed your needs. Who wants an extra 20-25 cards lying around? Not me! And then hallelujah you find the book!!! Good thing you ordered those 100 cards from COSTCO- despite the lack of faith in that number that your husband expressed. Now just pray that all of your addresses in your aforementioned ADDRESS BOOK are correct.


Now the meal. First you must consider the number of people attending your meal an whether they are adults or children- this year we will have 17 people for dinner; 13 adults and four children. You must consider likes, dislikes, traditions, cost,etc. And you are still not guaranteed that the soon to be three year old will eat anything other than candy canes.


Well, finally the day comes. The morning breaks and mom rolls out of bed and makes breakfast. We try to hold back the tide of ancy kiddos and have some spiritual focus before the ripping of paper and watching of Christmas movies. And that's when it happens...yep the stress diminishes for just a minute like blowing on a piece of silver and rubbing the tarnish off. There it is a glimpse- even if just for a minute- of ...oh what is that word...JOY. You no longer care that you have spent too much, stressed too much, ate too much and will be eating more. All that you know is that you are with those you love and that maybe Christmas really isn't that bad.

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

Mount Up

So I was super lucky to find the most amazing lady to teach Christi English riding. Christi has become quite the horsewoman. She has no fear and gets back up even if she falls.
Her seat is great and she has learned to post so well. Now this may be so foreign to many but I hope that you enjoy the video!

Need a little Christmas?

So last year two of my friends and I started an AWESOME holiday tradition. The Marathon Gingerbread house night. Now we use graham crackers but it is a blast. A little Chili for dinner to get the creative juices flowing and a little family Christmas music celebration and we are off to the races with egg nog in hand.
Enjoy this years parade of homes.

Jeane was my partner in crime since Ryan was gone- as usual. It was great to have her here with us.

Here is our plantation inspired house!




Michael's Dr. Who inspired Tardis house! (Complete with a Dalek out front!)


Christi's house with Barn. ( Every adult, all 6 of us helped raise that barn.)



James' homage to the trailer- only single wide though.



Willy's crazy pentagon house!

Riley's Castle with moat.

Julie's alpine cottage.


Next year I am thinking....the Pantheon or Washington Monument....Notre Dame! I can't wait!

Pet Peeve(s)

Ok so most if not all of my pet peeves have to do with me losing my mind. There are a lot of things that I do to drive myself nuts. Mainly it's just because I forget stuff and it causes me to become annoyed.
Below are some of my top pet peeves.

* No clean bra after a sweaty workout. Periodically I will run on the treadmill at the gym. For the most part I take advantage of showering uninterrupted at the gym. This is all great until- DUM DUM DUM- I go to get dressed and realized that I brought all clean clothing accept the most essential piece of a ladies "discreet" clothing.

* Being late. Now I really don't care if others are late unless they make a big stink about me being somewhere on time. BUT I HATE BEING LATE. I hate this so much that I am usually early. It just drives me nuts to tell someone I will be somewhere and then not.

* Forgetting to get things I really need while at the store. I hate going and then usually as I am exiting the store I realize that I have forgotten at least 2 things that brought me to the store in the first place. STINK!

Bad Habit!!!

So I caught Sundance having a snack.....Ooops! I guess that they are ALWAYS watching.

Garden Bounty

So although it snowed in mid-May, I was gone nearly all of June, I was sick most of July, school started in August, I went to Chicago in September and Utah a week ago....somehow the garden still grew. Not as much as we would have liked but still we got quite a haul.


The kids love the fact that we grow our own pumpkins.




No lettuce or spinach but the carrots grew! So that means carrot birthday cake this month! And although my house isn't in the cleanest condition and I have a Christmas tree up already....at least we have food to eat.
Yummy! (Now on to more canning and dehydrating.)

"Of things That Matter Most"

I had the privilege this weekend to hear this talk this past Saturday. It has taught me that I need to slow down...for me this entails a bit of a speed up before I can slow down. For instance, My house in a constant state of FLUX between almost clean and disastrous. This is annoying, exhausting and frustrating. I obviously lack some genetic propensity for organization. I can clean and sterilize BUT putting things where they belong and not losing them- not me.

So as I try to SLOW DOWN. This week/month will be a mad tare to get things organized, inventoried and clean! I can no longer function with daily chaos and the disorganization is about tho drive me MAD.

Hopefully I can learn to slow down and enjoy the most important things once my life is in some semblance of order. (It would be easier if little people would keep their rooms clean too.)

So here is to a future date with relaxation.

CHI-town

Chicago

Very rarely are moms able to get away from everything. However due to having a superior husband who loves me way more than I deserve I was afforded and took the opportunity to go to Chicago to visit an amazing friend!
I went with two other great friends and had a memorable weekend that will have to be repeated again sometime.
There was laughter and tears. Walking and blisters. Food and fun. And as much as we did there is more to go back for. What a great time we all had!
Nothing was better than coming home to an awesome husband who surely worked miracles while being with our kids full-time.
Thanks Ry for encouraging this and making me go!

(Click on the image above for a full album!)