Genetic Defect

(This is more for my personal therapy than for any other reason. Read at your own risk!)

While in the womb 32 years ago my genetic destiny was determined. I was destined to be one of the least positive people on the planet. I am not, and if I ever was it was brief, a look on the bright side kind of person. It's not glass half full or half empty it's rather the glass is cracked. I can't get past the condition of the glass to even notice that there is water.
This of course is in direct conflict with my religious convictions which gives me migraines on a frequent basis. I know that the temporal- here and now- stuff is of such little consequence but because of that then I feel why even bother. Why set goals let alone accomplish them? Why kill myself on cleaning my home or sewing or baking or gardening when the house will only get dirty again, the sewing will take forever and fall apart, the baking will make a mess and I'll just have to do more & the garden will be more work and money than it is worth.
I am sure that all of this stems from my being a control freak. I know I have no control over my life but then when that comes to fruition I just get so darn mad! For example, recently my hubby and I sat down and conceived a plan to eliminate our debt. For once this actually seemed doable, even with four kids in tow. Then the laptop dies- that's a cool grand I wasn't planning on spending. ( FYI this is being typed on an iPad.) So now I have two dead laptops and a pc on life-support that might as well be dead. Now this goes back to do I really NEED a computer? Well maybe not BUT in an effort to look on the bright side and try to help delete debt from my life I have taken on some side jobs, besides those that I am not paid for, which require a computer.
So in slips the genetic defect of negativity and criticism.....you know, "this always happens" and "why me"... Seriously irritating. I mean I don't have cancer or even a canker sore right now, so why the attitude! Why can't I just shrug this off and move on?
I guess the answer lies somewhere in the fact that this takes really hard work. I can't treat this like my brain coral tummy and just run more or swim more or eat less or lift more weight. There is really nothing outward that I can do to cure myself, not even happy pills (anti-depressants) work for me. In the end it will be because of my faith in my Savior's Atonement that I will ever be able to be a bit more positive. It will be because I KNOW that only Christ knows this internal drama of mine, the likes of which Shakespeare could not have even imagined. He knows how hard it is for me to put on a smile, get out of bed or even bathe sometimes. He knows how envious I am of those who seem so happy in the midst of monumental tragedy while I hate myself over the stupidest things. He knows how I want to feel that my good enough is actually good enough. He knows how I want to not only accept but believe the compliments that I receive. He knows how terribly insecure I am and how terribly I overcompensate to hide that I am mortal. He knows my regrets and accepts me anyway.
Maybe one day this will be a bit easier. Until then I will try to enjoy the mundane and ignore the aggravating.
(Luckily my negativity was once again unfounded and a great friend of mine was not only able to salvage my laptop but ALL of the files! Miricale- I think yes!)