Little League of their own.

There is something about watching children under the age of about 10 playing sports. These little beings are like mini perpetual motion machines, always going in a million directions at once and then BAM! The ball is hit and focus ensues making it necessary for every child on the field/court to pursue the ball or puck or whatever.
Such is the case with Butch's team. The mighty River Dogs! These kids are Kindergarten and First Grade boys, ranging in age from just barely 6 to 7 1/2.
So now that you have the background lets set the scene.
Butch is supposed to be playing left field but he is chatting with the short stop. The third baseman is circling the base, over and over as if daring it to move for he will pounce on it with all the ferocity of a starving teen on a pizza. Then it happens. The ball is hit! All conversation stops. The third baseman slows and looks over his shoulder to see if anyone is coming his way and then he is off again as he realizes there was no one on second and these kids are under strict orders to only take one base at a time.
The remainder of the team realizes where the ball is headed. The nearest three kids head for the ball while the others yell instructions on what to do and how to do it. Finally the player is either tagged out or on base and the scene repeats until every player has had a turn for that inning.
The teams switch from fielding to batting and then a new scene emerges. Every single boy has brought "the perfect" bat to hit with and they line up according to the posted batting order. Batting helmets are attained and they wait their turn, or run to the bathroom or run to their parents to tell them just what is going to happen next, etc. etc.
Butch grabs his trusty bat, tightens his batting gloves and steps up. Now being the ambidextrous kid that he is, he hits from a side of home base that many of these kids have never seen used. And it's like a scene from The Natural that sucker is gone! (Of course they still make him use a tee, which is dumb but it's a hit and he's happy and we're happy.)

After being reminded to RUN- for the love RUUUUUUN- by no less than every adult in the vicinity, his turn at bat is done.  He takes his base and begins to chat with the kid on first base or the coach or whomever is there that he can talk with about the strategy or history of the game.

And so goes the all American game of baseball.

Only the Lonely

* Disclaimer: This post is just my personal opinion and has little to no scientific proof to back it up. In part the following post can be seen as an attempt to overcome the primary topic discussed, or as my personal therapy option. As I have previously addressed a similar topic in a previous post feel free to ignore this all together.

Today, I read an article online from The New Republic ("The Lethality of Loneliness" by: Judith Shulevitz; it is worth reading). With a background in the social sciences, both educationally as well as a patient, I found this article fascinating. Ms. Shulevitz puts forth the notion that loneliness, not solitude or choosing to be apart from others, is as damaging to one's health as smoking is known to be.

To me this was an AMEN moment!

Of course loneliness kills or at the very least severely damages the individual. The animal kingdom is an excellent provider of examples in this area. Consider the runt of the litter.  The smallest newborn is abandoned as a lost cause being left alone to inevitably die, unless an adoption by another animal occurs or an intervention by a human comes along (ie. Charlotte's Web) this animal is all but doomed. Unfortunately the human species also has examples of this as noted in the article.

One of the things that was also mentioned in the article was the need for intimacy. Now, in our society unfortunately there seems to be an idea that intimacy means exclusively sexual interaction. This annoys me to no end!  However, in this article it was science speak for significantly close relationships- friends with substance.

This need for intimacy resonates with me quite deeply especially after recently viewing the documentary Happy , where the idea of being connected to others is put forth as a major factor in happiness.  Too often we get busy with our lives and society's idea that intimacy means sex then leads us to have no intimate friendships, sometimes not even in our marriages do we experience the intimacy that we long for. We can be "close" to someone for years and not tell them what they really mean to us. We can be family and not be able to express the most sincere feelings we have leaving us feeling lonely.

The point?

Although loneliness can be genetic in nature, as mentioned in the article, the more alone we feel the more damage it does; not just psychologically but at the genetic level too.  I can be in a crowded room and feel completely alone. I can be with the people I love the most and still feel lonely. This means that my need for having intimate relationships - meaning deep, intellectual, spiritual, etc.- is VERY high.  This complicates things for me. Of course I want to reach out and make friends and not feel lonely but I also know that what I need out of a relationship is a friend of substance.   I can be friendly with those who don't fill these needs but being close; that's a whole different thing.

This brings with it extreme guilt as I know that the intimate relationships I desire are time consuming and exhausting.  Let's be honest it takes time, often years, to really get to know someone.  You have to have shared experiences that allow you to have history and points of reference and these don't happen over night.  This brings on guilt because I don't want to come across as needy or inflict myself unduly on those who do seek my friendship.

Again, the point?

The point is this. How has my loneliness changed me?  How has the fact that I have felt lonely since I was a young child affected who I am?  And is there a way to change this?

I am a practicing Christian and know the Beatitudes but it wasn't until today that I thought we need to add to them. Sure mourn with those who mourn; comfort those who stand in need of comfort.... and now, friend the lonely.  With the proposition that I face of being a stay-at-home mother with all of my children in school this means that I will be mostly alone and lonely. (Double trouble for me.) To this end I hope that I can somehow find a way to not be quite so lonely and maybe undo some of the harm I have wreaked on my genome.  I am not sure how I will go about friending the lonely but I will work towards at least friending the lonely person in the mirror.


To the others who feel lonely realize that there are others who feel it too.  We get it and unfortunately I think that if we don't find ways to learn not to be so lonely it's not just the individuals who our doomed but our entire society.

So go team! Be a friend and make someone feel not quite so lonely!

Shopping for HIM

I find shopping for men to be exasperating. I never know what to get and it all seems so overwhelming that I often want to give up.
After being with my husband for nearly 15 years (including the courtship) I have decided that if I am going to get him anything it better not be a waste of time or money since that is so precious to us. So when Christmas was upon us and the thought of leaving the house to shop in a new town was daunting I was at a complete loss.
I debated this and thought about that and then, low and behold, the beloved Groupon came to the rescue. It was perfect, a little expensive, but perfect.
Three laps in a Ferrari! A red one even. And the sun was out too! I think that I hit it out of the park  on this one ;)

Shh!! It's a secret!

You know how everyone frets over "the talk"?
You know "the birds and the bees"?

As a kid you dread how or what your parents may or may not tell you. You may not even understand what they are saying or you may become so utterly disgusted that you run from the room in tears.

As a parent you worry about when and how much to tell. Will you just confuse them? Will they tell all their friends and teachers? Panic ensues and you end up just trying to do this without damaging them permanently.

Now although the "how babies are made talk" is important- not vital but important- there is a talk that I think is even more necessary, BUT it will never happen.

What is it? you say?

The really important question?

What could possibly be more important than how to make the babies responsibly talk (or practice trying to make babies as the case may be)?

HOW DO YOU RAISE THESE THINGS? HOW DO YOU PARENT?

Why does no one sit you down and tell you how this works? (Well at least they don't tell you when you want to know but rather wait to offer unsolicited advice.)

Now, Shhhhh! It's a secret!

There is a reason that no one has this chat.

NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO PARENT!

 Not them.

Or even them.

It's true.
I keep wondering why did my parents do it this way? OR Why did those people do it that way? The reason, they have no idea how to parent.  I am an oldest and was the epitome of the guinea pig child. I was the practice version. And now that I am a parent I totally get it!

Now I took parenting classes in college. I read ALL about child development and I had great parents but even after all of this I still have no clue!

I can see that my children's behavior is developmentally appropriate and that it's normal BUT it still drives me nuts. I can recognize that this entire household is ADD/ADHD, even the dog, but it still makes me crazy to find what I should by now expect.

I read all these articles and blogs about how to be a great parent and come out thinking that these are great ideas. I come up with a plan about how to implement these great ideas...but then the variables (ie. children) enter. OMG do they enter!
They don't want to sit and be read to.
They don't want to engage in talking- see the 12 year old in the corner.
They don't want to be...awake.

And then there is the parent component.
I mean this job is hard. The hours are long and the amount of sleep one is able to attain is minute. Your co-worker/spouse may or may not be on board with the direction of the company and may offer up a new, and often better, idea thus leading you to realize: I have no clue what I am doing.

But you know what?
Wanna guess?

It's doesn't matter. NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO PARENT!!!!
And more importantly, no one knows how to parent your children.
For generations people with NO CLUE have parented causing marginal damage to the people that they made and still the Earth stands.

Marginal damage in this family.

So my point? Give yourself a break.
You know you are a good parent only when you have good grandchildren.
So just dive in and work hard! The only way I will be able to feel like I've done my best is if I leave it all on the table.
As long as I am there and present for my kids and that they know they are my number one priority. That my days and nights are filled with making sure they are safe and provided for, then I can breathe and know that at least I can parent my kids.....Good luck with yours!

12

This kid!

YEP him:

(Look at all of that hair!)

He is 12 now!

Crazy right?

In our faith when a boy turns 12 he is eligible to become what we call a deacon.

After being interviewed by our ecclesiastical leader and being found worthy this kid, 

my baby, received the priesthood.

Since this is such an important event his grandparents chose to come for this birthday.

(Us with the grandparents)

It seems so surreal that this guy is 12. 

In about a year and a half he may have his Eagle.

In less than 3 years there will be High School. 

In 6 years he'll be a missionary.

In about ten years he'll be graduating from college.

And then who knows....

The time flies so quickly.

Just yesterday he was a baby. My first baby.

And now he's about to shave and be taller than me.

I miss the days when he and I would take a nap.

Or when he was a toddler ready to climb everything & I was terrified.

HE is my most reliable helper and my best bud!

I love you Clyde!

What the HECK am I doing with my life?

Pre-move to the woods I had a plan.
I was taking classes and gonna go back to school.
I was juggling it all pretty well.
I had a routine. (Wake, eat, get kids to school, workout, work part time from home, volunteer, study, read, visit goodwill, REPEAT)

But then the life changed!
The changes have not been bad but it's new and I don't feel like I quite fit in my new life.  I feel like the freshman new to campus walking around with the map trying to understand why someone said my  class was in a building named after an STD. (It was just an abbreviation for Smith Family Living Center, how it became syphilis I don't know.)

I am lost.
I attended a meeting Sunday where a licensed therapist spoke and although everything she said made sense it was like, "Well that was nice. Now how the HECK do I do it?"

The advice was valid but I felt like I was given a cake mix with no instructions on how to get it together.
Some advice given:
"Create Something": Well that's great. I am not very creative. I appreciate art and music but I am not talented enough to sing or brave enough to fail.
"Find Someone to Trust": I have some people that I trust completely. Luckily my number one is my hubby. But sometimes he doesn't get it.  My others are far, far away. So I have some just none here, yet!
"Find a Passion": I can't even find my pants...not all my pants, but that is neither here nor there. I seem to be so crippled that I cannot even imagine that I was ever passionate about anything.  Was I ever really moved to do anything unless FEAR was my number one motivator.
"Get Moving": I was doing so well at this back in the land of sun and fire but now with a more costly option it seems so much harder. Never mind that I have gained a robust 12 pounds since relocating to Cullen-land. I am working on getting there but I HATE RUNNING! I have to imagine a zombie chasing me or running towards one of my children in harm's way before I even get up any kind of speed.
"LAUGH": I enjoy laughing but again this can be difficult. Things are either too vulgar to be funny or I just want to cry...

So I am a hot mess!
How to proceed?  Do I really want to change? Do I really want to be found?

Now, I have 40lbs to lose and nearly 34 years to understand so carpe diem and let's just see if I can finally become creative, trust, find a passion, get moving-really moving and laugh!

Best of 2012

SO what was your year like?
Hmmmm....Let me think. Well first we had this:

Then a week later we had this:

Oh and then there was this:

ANd then we went from this:

To this:

And this:

This finally happened:

And finally most recently this:

Hope your 2012 was full of fun and excitement with a little fewer miles but just as many smiles!

5

Here he is. My baby. Yes P-nut has grown up quite a lot. I can barely believe he is 5.  No more a baby but a little man! He plays warriors and knights and legos. Just like everyone else. He cooks and cleans and folds laundry. Sometimes better than everyone else.

He is a great cuddler- is that a word- but he's a fighter too, just watch the video.

He is so very smart and I am dreading the kindergarten registration thing.

 Alas, it will happen and I will miss him.....It goes waaay to fast.

Christmas

So Christmas has come and it has gone and it was perfect!
Now don't have a heart attack. Some of you may remember the post of infamy where I expressed my deep seeded issues with the holidays. Well moving far from family and having only the hubby's parents here was quite relaxing.
We saw the sights and celebrated the birth of our Savior BUT we also just enjoyed each other.  We talked and remembered. We got to know each other better and just appreciated each other.
Sure there wasn't a twelve course meal or snow or ton of desserts or snow or thirty-five people or snow BUT it was Christmas and it was our Christmas.
Memories were made and hugs were shared. And it was perfect.

 @ Snoqualmie Falls

(I think we will have a lot of shots like this)

 Making Gingerbread houses with Grandma & Grandpa Norris 

I hope that your holidays were great too. And if they weren't then you have next year.

2012 Christmas Card

In case you didn't get a physical copy, here is the genuine thang!

Merry Christmas From all of us to all of you!

Saving Grace

(2011)

Do you see this kid?

Do you know how terrified I was to have another baby?

Do you know that the Lord is in complete control?

Since our move this guy is my reason for living. He isn't in preschool now because I really don't know where to enroll him and I am sure it will cost an arm and a leg and finger. So he is my buddy.

He is my reason for living. With no friends and no calling and no way to volunteer with him in tow he fills the space. He cooks with me and cleans with me and cuddles with me.

However, this will make the looming registration for kindergarten that much harder.  As much as I want him to go to school and to be able to learn again I selfishly never want to let him go!

And it's because of videos like this that make me wish I had more but alas I don't and as much as I think they need me I really need him right now!

Who am I ???

A couple of weeks ago at church someone asked me what I liked to do when I wasn't unpacking.
I was stumped.  I really had no answer.  I don't love scrapbooking, or even sewing. (I do it but it doesn't fill me with joy.) I like to cook but then I get fat(-ter) because I like to eat more. I like reading but that seems lame. I don't play an instrument & my singing is mediocre at best. I LOVE my dead people (genealogy/family history) but that's not really a group activity.
This led to more questions on my part. Who am I? What am I doing?
Will I become a disaster when my kids start leaving home in t minus 6 years?
Right now I have really nothing that I do. I don't go to a gym anymore. To expensive or too far. NO book club. No girls night out. Nothing that is me or mine or what have you. I barely even leave the house because I have nowhere to go really and the boxes still beckon.

So making it harder than having no one that I really know is that I don't even know myself. I don't know what I like, I don't know my favorite color and I don't DO anything really.

What am I supposed to be learning? Patience? (Well, duh.) That this is what I prayed for- a better job, and a husband home and the loneliness is just part of it? I don't know.
When I explore things that I think I might like to do the guilt of the time and money it would take to accomplish these things just makes it worse.

I was talking to my hubby about this the other day. And because he is so AWESOME he wants to fix this. But the thing is that fixing infers broken and it is super hard to accept that one is broken.  I know that I am not the first and will not be the last to be lost like this but it still STINKS!!

Hopefully the boxes will be done soon and the holidays will be over and I can settle into figuring out who I am and what I need to do. Until then I just gotta get through the laundry and lunch.

Defining Moments

Throughout life we all have experiences that shape us. Sometimes they are good and other times they are downright awful. Then there are situations that seem benign but actually end up defining us forever...Let me explain. As a child my parents relocated from Texas to Louisiana. The move was necessary but being that I was the only child in school at the time I feel that it effected me the most.  I know that it did. How, one may ask. Do I even remember? This is one of my earliest recollections and was, and still is, a defining moment for me.
I was not a particularly beautiful child or popular. Until High School I had very FEW friends and usually the male friends way out numbered the female friends. So, as I began Kindergarten for the second time I found myself terribly lonely. I often sat alone and played alone especially while at school. To the teacher's credit she did observe this and tried to be helpful.

One day while on the play ground a group of two or three girls approached me. I was not sure what they wanted but soon it became quite clear. As they approached, the tallest girl in the group stated, "The teacher told us to play with you."

There it was, my defining moment. What I had hoped for and longed for had become stained by knowing that these girls were 'told' to play with me.  I clearly remember thinking, "Don't do me any favors. If you have to be told to play with me then NO THANKS."  Of course I probably played with them for that recess but not much really after that day.

This one moment has forever defined who I am. I often feel very lonely, especially now after moving. It is worst when I am in a crowded room. Even when people are sitting next to me or are trying to be friendly I worry that it's just surface and no substance.

Leaving friends of substance behind and being friendless is HARD.  It is hard to not have a purpose or direction or anyone to talk to or share with.  Where I used to be able to chat with my husband throughout the day he  can no longer do that with his job. So the only adult I interact with only has about an hour of decent time to spend with all of us before he gets tired and bed beckons.

I want to reach out but I know no one.  I don't want to burden others with  feeling that they have to be my friend. 

I am alone and that is how it is. One dear friend told me that it takes a year to make friends. Well, one month down.

Family Time

Right before Ryan left to move to Seattle he took the time out of his crazy schedule to spend some quality time with us as a family. I am so grateful to have a husband who focuses on what is truly important. I often think of those who were lost in 9/11 or my dear friend's brother tragically passing away and wonder what were the lasting memories that they left their families with.
Not that Ryan was dying but he was separated from us for quite some time and it soothed us all to have these images in our mind of him with us.
We went to Heritage Square in Golden, CO and got to go down the Alpine slide and just be together as a family! It was great fun!

ALMOST Home Sweet Home

So after a long month we are in the home stretch. Within the next week or two we will be closing on our home (fingers crossed) in Duvall, WA. Although I KNOW it will all work out, I am still nervous. That's why I have Ryan.
He is seriously my SuperMan. He has dealt with all of the technical stuff. Money, inspections, money, offers, money...you get the point. I'm just good for a signature BUT at least I have that.
Until now I have been super nervous to put pictures up of our almost home. But here they are. We are very excited to move in and to get settled and to just get back to life.
Thank you again to everyone who helped hold my psychoses at bay throughout all of this. And please come visit.