Different NOT Easier

So a few months ago something was said in church that has stuck in my craw...

(WARNING: SOAP BOX)

The statement was something along the lines of how easy 

we have it now compared to those who came before us.

I seriously beg to differ...things are NOT easier!

Certainly, I don't have to spend days over a wash board doing laundry 

BUT with the stupid amount of clothes we own I am always doing laundry.

I don't have to worry about where our next meal is coming from; for the most part.

I don't have to cut wood for a fire BUT when the heater breaks in winter I still get cold ...

and then I wish I had the wood stove.

But there are things that I DO have to worry about that would curl my ancestors hair.

I have to supervise computer & technology use CONSTANTLY....

NOT because I don't trust my kids BUT I don't trust anyone else to protect them the way I will.

I have to say NO you won't have a cell phone.

I have to say NO you can't go to that movie, read that book or play that video game.

I have to worry that my husband could die in a car accident driving all over creation for work,

NOT like worrying that your husband could die in a farming accident but still stressful.

I still have to worry that a weird disease could kill my husband, my child or myself.

So NO things aren't easier.....they are just different.

I couldn't imagine the struggles that they endured and I am certain that they can't imagine mine.

Every time I get to see my 90 yr. old grandmother she reminds me of that. 

She reminds me that things are so different from when she was raising kids

or when she was a kid...NOT easier!

Air Traffic Control

Do you ever feel like you are managing chaos?

Barely?

I often feel as though I am trying to navigate an impossible maze of craziness.

It seems as though there is one thing going in one direction and another thing in another...

and somehow... Nothing has collided, YET!

My family calendar is a color-coded mess of where to be and when and for whom.

Somehow it works, for now.

I often feel that I am an air traffic controller and trying to make certain that no two flights collide,

 or are late, or are delayed, or any other type of catastrophe... Maybe I am.

A Reason to Smile

As I have mentioned periodically my husband travels, but for the past month and a half he has been on a travel freeze. It has been extremely.....I don't know how to describe it. Words fail me... It has been...AMAZING! Not only has there been no traveling but there has been no school for most of that time as well. It is as though this time has given us a brief glimpse of what life will be like after the MBA.

He has been here for bedtime and bath time. He has helped chauffeur and referee. He has made dinners and done dishes. He has cleaned toilets and lifted heavy things. He has been my knight in shining armor!

It's amazing how much you don't realize that you do until someone else is able to help.

But now that time is over. (This is not the reason to smile.) As we finished dinner together we said a family prayer and he was off to the airport. There were dishes to do and food to put away. There were kids to get ready for bed and lunches to prepare.

And then the call came.....The call that lets you know you chose the right person....The one where he says the exact right thing to help you get through the week.

(On the drive to the airport)

"I miss you already. I started crying as I left. I wish I didn't have to go."

That's when I remember he hates being gone just as much as I hate having him gone. That my friends is my reason to smile.

Marathon

So right now life is a marathon...more precisely a marathon being run backwards. You see I think that if you can see where you're going that takes the biggest obstacle out of a marathon but life isn't that way- at least not mine.
I see life right now as a whole pile of options with unknown outcomes. Certainly an amount of certainy can be found in some things but generally the unkown is the prevailing theme. For example, my hubby will graduate with his MBA soon. This in no way ensures a higher pay grade, better job or anything other than student loan bills- that is a certainty.
It's not that I worry a ton about the uncertainty but like that backwards marathon things can be tricky. I don't know if there is an uphill climb or a downhill slide. I am unable to know if there will be a rock in the road or a hole. Will I fall apart on the course or will I find an inner strength that helps me cross the finish line?
With this new year and new goals I am just trying to accept that the uncertainty is CERTAIN! Embracing this crazy life where fair is a four-lettered word is the main goal and if I can do that maybe a marathon being run backwards is the best way to run one. You at least get to see where you have been and appreciate it for what it is/was.
So on with the marathon....

My Piece of Peace

So I am NOT a naturally happy person. I mean it takes effort for me. I am just not wired to be happy 24/7. There are definite glimpses every day, and sometimes every hour, but not continuously. Certainly there are issues with my DNA that are a part of this but as my Dad taught me:

Genotype (DNA) + Environment --> Phenotype (How you turn out/look)

Since I can't change my DNA I am working feverishly at changing my environment. I have found that a great deal of my happiness is directly correlated to the amount of PEACE that I have in my life. How do I get that peace? How can I maintain that peace?

First, cleanliness. I am not a good housekeeper. As noted by the decrapification of 2011 and the continuing of said practice into 2012. Seriously there is a ton of junk that enters into my house. We have given over $1500 worth of junk in 2011 to Goodwill, Salvation Army, etc. CRAZY. Plus trash galore. Seriously not a good housekeeper.

So it is a struggle to find peace when the house is a disaster or when dishes seem to live in the sink more than the cabinet. NO peace there! So I have had to learn that although cleanliness is next to Godliness being grumpy is not! I have had to accept that sometimes playing with the kids is more important than an immaculate home- at least for me. Peace!

Second, organization. Sure my clothes are hung by color in my closet and I covet the space to be organized but this does not come naturally! So many people compliment me on being organized and having it together but those comments make me want to fall on the floor laughing hysterically. I mean I am usually flying by the seat of my pants here. (I finally made a month's menu the other day just to stop the conflict of what was planned for dinner vs. what someone else wants for dinner to a minimum.) I would love to have a place for everything and everything in it's place but I don't. I am lucky to have the home that I do have- limited storage and all. So if things aren't collated and annotated it's OK. As long as I know where it is. You know pile A, B or C. AH PEACE!

Third, fitness & self image. As much as I enjoy being outside and trying to work out regularly I hurt. I am broken and I have to be careful. The desire to not hurt seriously limits the desire to over exert myself. Also, I love FOOD. I mean I read cookbooks. I souvenir eat when I travel. I have food dreams and that is certainly genetic! So learning that my metabolism at 15 was completely unnatural and that I am rapidly approaching 3_ with baby weight, depression weight and a body that no longer wants to cooperate id very dis heartening. So I have had to have the discipline to eat off of salad plates and work out more. I have had to accept that if I want to even be mobile I have to excercise carefully. Maybe I can't even dream of rock hard abs or slender arms but if I can get out of bed that is a plus. I have had to accept that I am more than my body or my brains. I seem smart but I am not really. I seem confident but mostly I am uncertain. But learning to accept that being what I think I see in myself is often false is helpful to finding peace.

Finally, overarching everything-PERFECTION! I want the perfect home- not gonna happen. I want the perfect husband- pretty close but not quite. I want the perfect children- let's face it they are kids. I want the perfect dog- if we are gonna have one she needs to be PERFFECT, right? I want to be perfect too. This is totally counterintuitive to PEACE. If perfect means conflict then NO Thanks! If perfect means giving me migraines, I'd rather not! If perfect means I can't let my kids make cookies or paint or play in the snow then I will take my imperfect life for the sake of PEACE. The Peace that comes from 4 kids that love to play together is AMAZING! The peace that comes from sitting around a dinner table together and listening to the jabbering of my family is a unique brand of peace just for me!

So in the end I am slowly finding my piece or peace! Sure it is not the same for anyone of us but hopefully mine will carry me through. And maybe one day I will be happier and even joyful.